


Love Letters

by starstruckandmetal



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 20:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15826722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstruckandmetal/pseuds/starstruckandmetal
Summary: Hide’s been declared missing for a long time, and hidden out of the eye of the public, hoping he can find Kaneki again, and spends every night writing down what he wants to tell Kaneki.





	Love Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off the song Love Letters by Watsky

Hide sat on his bed, dim light coming from his laptop from which he played soft music. His phone charged on the table at his bedside, no notifications lighting up the screen. These days, Hide never received notifications.

A notebook rested on his lap, the rings littered with tiny shreds of paper where he’d ripped pages out, like snowflakes resting on a wire fence. His fingers ran through his hair in agitation. His frustration was palpable in the air. Once, someone who saw the scene would have thought he just was a tired, stressed college student, at that time, it would have been true. But not anymore.

Now Hide sat, frustrated by his inability to get words down, after another long day of achieving nothing. Since he’d recovered, he’d been searching for Kaneki every day and writing notes he would never send every night. He thought it might help deal with the crushing fear that he’d never see Kaneki again.

No one he talked to knew what happened, although, Hide had heard whispers that the ghoul investigator Haise Sasaki had some connection to Kaneki, that the King of the Quinx was actually Kaneki, and maybe it was true. Hide had seen Sasaki only once, but in that moment, he felt like he knew him.

Kaneki was Hide’s first and greatest friend, the one person he loved and trusted above all else, unconditionally. Kaneki had saved Hide from Nishiki, he had tried so hard to protect Hide, yet Hide couldn’t do the same for him.

He threw the notebook across the room, the pad of paper bouncing off the wall and falling to the ground with a thud while the paper crinkled. Scattered on the floor of his room, barely visible, were the crumpled up sheets of paper Hide had already scrapped, with apologies that didn’t get across what he meant, metaphors he hated.

He loved Kaneki, why was it so hard to say that?

Hide knew he’d likely never see Kaneki again, especially if he was trapped in Haise’s mind, but he could dream, and writing the letters helped him. Why, he didn’t quite know. Maybe it eased his conscience to think that he was at least trying to explain everything to Kaneki. Everything he felt for him, everything he felt bad for, everything he just wanted Kaneki to know, to understand, to hopefully forgive Hide for.

Knowing him, he’d say Hide had nothing to apologize for. That’s something he would say.

_You’ve made a place where I’m welcome_   
_And although I give voice to it seldom_   
_Know I love you_   
_Nobody’s above you_   
_And if you love someone then you tell them._

Hide had been listening to the same song, over and over and over and over again. It put his regrets to words. When Kaneki had a crush on Rize, Hide regretted not admitting to his crush, especially after she attacked him. When Kaneki began to fall for Touka, Hide regretted not admitting to his crush. When Kaneki vanished, Hide regretted not admitting to his crush. You’d think, after regretting not saying it so many times, when he saw Kaneki again, he would have, but he didn’t. Rather, he hid it again, and now he might never be able to tell him.

He laid back, staring at the white ceiling, resting his fingertips on his neck, tracing the edge of the now healed wound, where normal skin turned to rough scars, then over the prosthesis in his neck, which allowed him to speak. Granted he didn’t ever say much, he never had anything to say.

Kaneki had been a light in his life since the day they met, and without him, Hide wasn’t sure what to do. He had fought to live for Kaneki, and he had dreamed of seeing him again and having a life with him. Maybe that was a good place to start.

Hide got up and picked the notebook back up, putting the pencil to paper, writing what felt right. It wasn’t a letter he’d ever send, he knew, but he cared nonetheless. He supposed, honesty was the best way to go.

_Kaneki,_

_You were everything to me. You were never a monster. I suppose the word monster is subjective, and maybe you were to someone, like ghouls are monsters to humans, and the CCG are generally monsters to ghouls, but to me you were never a monster to me._

_I always loved you, and I never wanted to tell you, because you were always so happy. You always had your eyes on someone beautiful, and I was genuinely happy for you._

_Now maybe I should have. You’ll likely never see this, after all, I’m only writing this so I can get this off my chest. I don’t know what else to do besides search for you every day, and think of you every night._

_No one has ever come before you in my eyes. Everything I did was for you. It was all for you._

_When we were kids, I always asked you stupid questions about life, and you would humor me, but you always stopped it from eating away from me, especially when it came to death. I don’t know the answer to what happens when we die, and I hope you don’t either. I thought we agreed that it wasn’t for a long time, we wouldn’t leave one another for a long time, but when it did, it was just TV static, because we didn’t want to get our hopes up for a paradise. But if it was a paradise, ours would be a shared one, because even in death we’d never leave one another._

_I guess it was rather silly to think that, but it doesn’t change that I miss you and regret losing you more than anything else in the world. I just wish I could have given you a fraction of the joy you gave to me._

_I love you, Kaneki Ken._

Hide dropped the pencil and put his head in his hands, as tears began to flow down his cheeks, although he didn’t register them until he felt the wetness on his hands.

Desperately, he tried to calm himself with deep breaths, but each breath just brought on more tears, more sobs, his heart crumpled in on itself, until he fell asleep, his cheeks still stained by tear tracks.

 

Haise awoke from another dream about a blond haired boy, whose laughter made Haise happy too, even in a dream, although he always awoke with tears on his cheeks. He didn’t know who this boy was, but he knew he was a part of his past that he couldn’t remember, someone Haise had long since lost. Something about him was familiar though….

His mind snapped back to a dark alleyway, old, faded, and torn posters hung on the gray walls. One tore off and floated down in front of Haise, a missing person poster.

Hideyoshi Nagachika.

“Let’s go home already!”

In his head the whispers of the person Haise didn’t know silenced, becoming slow, shaking breaths, before turning into a scream. Haise’s mind felt like it was unhinging, pain coursing through it, as the voice screamed, Haise shutting his eyes tight as he pressed his fingers into his scalp, his hair curling around his fingers.

He didn’t know why the name popped into his mind, or why those words appeared, but it triggered a slideshow of images, accompanied by pain so intense, Haise thought his skull was going to split open.

A blond boy, laughing, wrapping his arm around him. The boy putting his headphones over Haise’s ears. The boy buying coffee with him. The pair of them sitting across from one another, hamburgers on the plates in front of him.

Hide, Hide, Hide, Hide, Hide.

The words floated through Haise’s mind before he had time to think about them, following the name like ducklings following their mother.

“I love you.”


End file.
